Lift Me Up

#nowplaying Lift Me Up - Kate Voegele

Still blogging here from KL.

Realised that I need to share out my feelings as I really cant hold it in anymore.

Pretty much had a couple of rough nights.Reasons?Even I cant specify them.

Maybe its the emptiness.Maybe its the lack of hope.Maybe its every little chunk blended in one.

 Nobody really knows.I hid the feelings to well.Or maybe sis knows a little but really,I have been heartbroken.One of the reason why this post is because I really need to spill everything out!

March 21st.

It was probably one of those days where I felt so proud of myself.
One of those days where I felt like I've been living life so well.But who knew,the days after were rougher than before.

Took in parents advice to apply for all possible scholarships.
Well that was what I wanted to do too.What could have gone wrong?Sis had 'the talk' with me too.Years before,I ought to remind myself that my parents will not be able to pay for my higher education and the only way I can save myself is to strive really hard and obtain good results.Fortunately,I got what I worked hard for.Fair enough,at least.

So days passed by,hopes grew more.

First was UEM and I told myself,its okay.Its only one.

Then came UTP.but thats acceptable because only one in a family is allowed to have their scholarship.
So I am more than happy that bro got it.

And more and more and more.

Maybe I knew that I was dying inside but I lied to myself by telling that its okay.I lied to myself because the lie saves me.Ironic much huh?We humans rather believe in a soothing lie rather than a hurtful truth.I was fine.I really was.Remembered what sis told me when I was scholarships before the real SPM.

She said "dont worry.Better doors will open for you in the future"

and she said the same thing over and over again.I believe her.I listen.Until I couldnt take the lie anymore.

and now when she says the same thing,my mind automatically goes...

REALLY?OH I DONT SEE ANY OF THAT SO FAR.

I was fine.I THOUGHT i was.I accepted all the facts.

Besides,all I wanted is some closure.Some confirmation.and fair enough,I got the closures I wanted.

I just need to know that i HAVE to move on.The only thing that keeps me pleasant is having sis to back me up.She constantly lets me know that she only wants the best for me and keep me away from worrying about financial issues.Seriously,thats the only thing I was trying to keep in my mind.

Its really hard,you know.

It gets harder when your family members keep telling you how great you are
 and you're probably the smartest in the big family tree,but deep inside,behind closed doors,they dont really know who you are.This girl whom they thought was PERFECT is looking herself as a life failure.
How does that feels huh?

Skyped with Mel the other day.And I told her about some stuffs.She went..

"Tan Siow Jean also will have problem?You're always getting things right!"

Yeah thats what I thought too.perfect,huh?
Things may be worse when you usually have no one to worry about you.
People thinks that you're strong on your own and you could not go wrong.Oh you are so wrong.

Pretty little face,pretty brain huh?

I've always wanted to spill out to someone.

Sadly,there's just no one who really REALLY understands.and friends,they come and they go.I really had enough of those who keep promising me stuffs but break their promise in the end.

Not once,not twice.God knows how many times.Makes me feel like,it doesnt really matter anymore anyway.I need people who makes me feel better,not rub salt to the wound.

Honestly,this is not a sad post.
Its a form of release for me.It has NEVER been any easy for me to talk about all these.Kinda proud of myself to pour everything ( almost) out here.Once again,I really need a closure.Good or bad,I just need an end.Because if there's an end,there's gonna be another new beginning.

Trying to look up upon myself.
Its not gonna be easy but its something that has to be done.
Maybe people should look at me deep inside,not just the out.
Looking for a better reflection.